Damaged Swirl (damagedswirl) wrote,
Damaged Swirl

Relationship thoughts.

Not sure how to start this or if I'm even ready to look at it. Since writing my stories out of what has happened to me and realizing my hatred towards men and the words my therapist told me when I told her what happened, "I can't believe your even with a guy" It's all been going around in my head, I can't believe I'm with a guy either.
I never really felt any hatred or bad feelings towards him until last year. The only thing I can think of happening is his ex taking him for child support, I felt threatened, like something was being taken away from my kids, that's when a lot of stuff happened for me, I started disliking him and I hated her, I didn't like hating her because we were friends till that happened, but I have recently apologized to her for how I reacted and I have realized that she had every right for child support, I am glad to be friends with her again, I did miss her, we have so much in common and I often missed her. I know it probably sounds weird that I am friends with his ex but I was friends with her before I ever met him. She is the one who introduced me to him.

I started really seeing mine and brian's relationship for what it was, he never has showed me any kind of attention physically and it just then started to get to me, over the year I have pushed it away not really caring but this year it really got to me.I started really hating him anything fun he wanted to do I would somehow make it so he couldn't do it, I still do this and as I was doing this the other night I thought to myself why do I not want him to do anything? What is the real reason behind it? Am I trying to punish him for something? I really want to stop doing this because it makes me feel bad and like a mean person. Today he wanted to do something and I caught myself almost trying to stop him then I said nevermind I can do it on my own, taking care of all three kids I meant. So today I let him do what he wanted to do outside. I feel better doing that. I really hate how I have been treating him in all kinds of ways, if I was brave enough I would tell him often how stupid he is, but I don't because I do have feelings and I know I never liked being called stupid so I never have said it and never will, but boy do I think it!

But why has all this happened? Is it because somehow I blame him for the money that is taken from us? And maybe I needed a reason to hate him so I put it that it was because he doesn't show me attention, or is because he is a man and I hate all men? I look back on when I was with my ex, I loved him dearly with all my heart eventhough he treated me bad I still loved him so much I never treated him bad and I was with him just a year after what happened to me and I never hated him or anything, so does that mean I don't really love brian? I thought I did at first but now im wondering if I do, I feel we don't have anything in common, I sleep in the bedroom he sleeps on the couch, I feel we are more like roomates than in a loving relationship. Should I stop trying to work with him on how to treat me and just give up and say I tried and just on like we are?

Im still confused, I don't know the reasons of anything. I don't know why I got with him, I know I loved him in the beginning, I remember that feeling but I don't have that feeling anymore, is it possible to fall out of love with someone? I still love my ex even after I left him I loved him so much and I always will, that love was fun, was innocent, I never ever for once thought he would cheat on me but he did and he hit me and would even rape me but I loved him so much, I knew who he really was deep down he was a wonderful person and I know he cared about me, even now I know he cared about me because his girlfriend at the time of his death told me he used to carry my picture around that he always talked about me, he did love me. If only he had told me, if only.

So I don't know, am I putting my hatred on brian or do I really not love him? I think it's the second one.
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