Peices Of Me
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Damaged Swirl



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A simple cut [Friday
June 7th, 2013 at 10:35am]
[ mood | creative ]

A simple cut
torn through me
a simple cut
that bleeds and burns
a simple cut
that gets blamed on them
a simple cut
that begs for me
a simple cut
that hides under my pillow
a simple cut
in the middle of the night
a simple cut
begs for me
begs for me
to come back
and do it again
a simple cut
was all that it was
a simple cut
unleashed the monster
that holds the knife.

call me back

Finally realized [Thursday
January 3rd, 2013 at 9:07am]
[ mood | calm ]

After much confusion I have finally understood that I just don't love brian anymore, I am not attracted to him in any way, I was even talking to him the other night but he was not listening as usual and I didn't even get upset when I found he wasn't listening, I felt nothing, that beautiful blissful nothing. And last night I told him I was through trying with him that he just wasn't good in relationships and that we would just remain friends, he didn't say anything to that, just got the usual look on his face that Im not sure what means looks like it means oh well or something like that.
I wasn't upset or anything at his lack of reaction.

Maybe someday I will leave him not anytime soon because the kids love him and I can't do that to them, we can still laugh together as friends but there is nothing romantic to our relationship, after realizing all this and letting go of it I feel a huge load has been lifted from me and I don't hurt anymore or even crave any attention anymore.

I tried and tried with brian, I asked him to go to counseling with me more than once and he said there was nothing wrong with him, he wouldn't go. And I kept on trying to explain what I needed out of this relationship and he never tried to change, so I moved on. I don't love him anymore, I think I did at one point but I slowly started to fall out of love.

Maybe someday I will find someone who can give me the attention and love I need but I'm not going to count on that, right now I am focusing on my kids and working on myself and that's all that matters right now.

call me back

Relationship thoughts. [Monday
December 31st, 2012 at 2:40pm]
Not sure how to start this or if I'm even ready to look at it. Since writing my stories out of what has happened to me and realizing my hatred towards men and the words my therapist told me when I told her what happened, "I can't believe your even with a guy" It's all been going around in my head, I can't believe I'm with a guy either.
I never really felt any hatred or bad feelings towards him until last year. The only thing I can think of happening is his ex taking him for child support, I felt threatened, like something was being taken away from my kids, that's when a lot of stuff happened for me, I started disliking him and I hated her, I didn't like hating her because we were friends till that happened, but I have recently apologized to her for how I reacted and I have realized that she had every right for child support, I am glad to be friends with her again, I did miss her, we have so much in common and I often missed her. I know it probably sounds weird that I am friends with his ex but I was friends with her before I ever met him. She is the one who introduced me to him.

I started really seeing mine and brian's relationship for what it was, he never has showed me any kind of attention physically and it just then started to get to me, over the year I have pushed it away not really caring but this year it really got to me.I started really hating him anything fun he wanted to do I would somehow make it so he couldn't do it, I still do this and as I was doing this the other night I thought to myself why do I not want him to do anything? What is the real reason behind it? Am I trying to punish him for something? I really want to stop doing this because it makes me feel bad and like a mean person. Today he wanted to do something and I caught myself almost trying to stop him then I said nevermind I can do it on my own, taking care of all three kids I meant. So today I let him do what he wanted to do outside. I feel better doing that. I really hate how I have been treating him in all kinds of ways, if I was brave enough I would tell him often how stupid he is, but I don't because I do have feelings and I know I never liked being called stupid so I never have said it and never will, but boy do I think it!

But why has all this happened? Is it because somehow I blame him for the money that is taken from us? And maybe I needed a reason to hate him so I put it that it was because he doesn't show me attention, or is because he is a man and I hate all men? I look back on when I was with my ex, I loved him dearly with all my heart eventhough he treated me bad I still loved him so much I never treated him bad and I was with him just a year after what happened to me and I never hated him or anything, so does that mean I don't really love brian? I thought I did at first but now im wondering if I do, I feel we don't have anything in common, I sleep in the bedroom he sleeps on the couch, I feel we are more like roomates than in a loving relationship. Should I stop trying to work with him on how to treat me and just give up and say I tried and just on like we are?

Im still confused, I don't know the reasons of anything. I don't know why I got with him, I know I loved him in the beginning, I remember that feeling but I don't have that feeling anymore, is it possible to fall out of love with someone? I still love my ex even after I left him I loved him so much and I always will, that love was fun, was innocent, I never ever for once thought he would cheat on me but he did and he hit me and would even rape me but I loved him so much, I knew who he really was deep down he was a wonderful person and I know he cared about me, even now I know he cared about me because his girlfriend at the time of his death told me he used to carry my picture around that he always talked about me, he did love me. If only he had told me, if only.

So I don't know, am I putting my hatred on brian or do I really not love him? I think it's the second one.
call me back

I try [Saturday
December 29th, 2012 at 4:03pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I try and try and try and try and nothing works. Why do I keep trying expecting different results and getting the same result, why do I keep trying!? He never gives me what I want, never says what I want, I need so much and he just wont give it and I try and try to tell him what I need and it just never happens, oh I could go on and on but I will stop here just like I will stop with him. I think it's all about my learning to accept and love myself, showing myself the kind attention I need I gotta learn to give to myself what I expect others to give, just leave them alone and not expect anything from anyone ever again. Im done.

call me back

Forgiveness of Self [Sunday
December 23rd, 2012 at 7:54am]
[ mood | calm ]

The teenager I was, was full of anger, confusion and sadness and all that turned to hatred towards myself. I became the victim of myself and not the victim of what happened to me as a child.

I lived in darkness, I cut and burnt myself not just as a way to get away from my feelings but to also punish myself. I blamed myself for what happened to me. But I don't anymore.
So why do I still put myself down?
Why do I feel as if I'm stupid?

It's because when I was with my ex him and his friends would make me feel stupid when I would share something I did.
It's not that I'm stupid, I am naive and the definition for naive is, having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality.
Doesn't sound like such a bad thing to be.

I forgive myself for hurting myself
I forgive myself for berating myself
I forgive myself for being naive
I forgive myself for being a monster towards myself.

You are not stupid, you are smart.
You are naive that means you are innocent, that means you kept your innocence after all. It's been hiding in plain sight all along.
He loved you, he was hiding from everyone.
You are loved now
Believe that you are loved.

call me back

Friends Only [Sunday
January 29th, 2006 at 6:05am]
[ mood | anxious ]

This journal has writing about my healing from certain trauma's in my life, but also random things too,its sometimes not a pretty world in here, and i made this journal friends only because i was becoming uncomfortable being way out there in the public.. so if you add me as a friend please write here first and let me know a little about you, even if you are just intrested or whatever, but yeah just let me know about you and stuff so i wont be so nervous. i like to know people. certain posts will be made public. friends only banner made by her_midnight

call me back

okay today [Friday
January 27th, 2006 at 7:47pm]
[ mood | numb ]

nothing too bad. woke up not wanting to wake up, feeling that depression hovering, but my guinea pigs needed me so i had to get up, once i got up everything went numb and just floated through the day.
im feeling numb right now, dont really feel anything, i can sense things, feelings, thoughts on the edges of this numbness, but its not surfacing.
maybe later i will do some writing.
right now im not going to do much but enjoy this numb feeling, i hope i dont start to feel as awful as i did last night, depression kicked me hard last night.

call me back

he touched my scars [Tuesday
January 24th, 2006 at 2:39am]
[ mood | artistic ]

~The poem i wrote to describe how trent reznor's music is to me~

he touched my scars
inside
and like the emptiness i drowned in
i opened up to see
nothing
nothing there for me.

he bound my arms in silk
strong as a steel
smooth as water
wrapped me up
to touch the nothing
inside

he put in my ears
soft as fur
sound as being deaf
to hold his voice
in my head
to quiet the nothing
inside

he wrapped my mouth
taste sweet as strawberries
tight as a rubberband
so no voice could be heard
so the others could not
twist my voice into a sharp knife
to stab me in the back,

he silenced me
deafened me
bound me
up in my nothing
wrapped me up safe
in his nothing.

safe as the stars
so far away from human"kind"
so far away from nothing
so close to everything
so trapped in madness
trapped in silence
my feet are free to walk
a journey i have no power in
anymore.

i will sit as a prisoner
locked up in a world
full of the sad, kind, sweetness
he has wrapped me in,
each day i thank the unknown
that i used to know
for killing me.

1 /call me back

nothing [Saturday
January 21st, 2006 at 8:48pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

nevermind. not feeling right. im hungry but dont feel like eating. i shouldn't ignore that i know. but i am. because i dont feel too good towards myself right now. i feel like trapped or something. and lost.
im going to go lay down, at least i can do that for myself.

1 /call me back

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